Taking Care Of Aging Parents
May 19, 2011
Today, among the overloaded clutter of single parenting self help books, it’s delightful to discover one that not only presents exactly what the title offers, but exceeds all expectations with new insights, realistic information and success strategies to guide readers through the labyrinth of post-divorce parenthood that helps parents and children not just survive, but thrive. The book is The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive After Divorce by Carolyn Ellis. Best-selling author, Carolyn Ellis, has combined her academic background, broad based professional experience and personal involvement with divorce and single parenthood to create a definitive book every single-parent should have as a practical parenting road map. The book is based on extensive research and examination of real life instances from clients, single parents, seminar students and her own invaluable experiences of raising three young children after divorce.
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It took me a while to see it. Having to repeat the same things to my mother several times, sometimes because she didn’t hear what I said, others because she didn’t remember that I had already told her. There were the limitations on driving that appeared seemingly overnight, and the physical frailties that I had not noticed before.
At some point, my mother had gotten older. Into her late seventies now, the woman who took care of me, followed our high school band on trips across the state, followed me to New York for my Carnegie Hall debut, not to mention driving the 300 miles every other weekend for over a decade to help with kids during my unusual work schedule…..she was now hitting the point where such activities were not ideal.
Nobody likes to admit that their parents are getting older, because it reminds us that they are human, with a finite existence, and that we won’t always have them around. But aging is part of the process, and as our parents enter their sunset years, we need to be aware of it and take proper steps to take care of them and look after them during this time.
One of the most common complaints you will hear from people is that of elderly folks driving, namely that they can’t. Most states do start making seniors take their driving test more often. If your parents are becoming dangers to themselves, the best thing to do is to get them to surrender their keys. Often times, a third party can prove beneficial in such a conversation, such a trusted physician or minister who can break the news. Loss if independence (i.e. driving privileges) can be devastating for older adults.
We joke with our parents about putting them in nursing homes, but the fact is that such a move may very well become a reality. Ideally, I think most of us would prefer to have our parents come and live with us, which is very thoughtful and considerate, however, there is real life to contend with, and sometimes an assisted living community is the best option. This is a discussion that should be had early on, when planning for later life events. Obviously, it would be easier to do if you have your parents blessing. Doing so otherwise has about as much charm as being incarcerated at the state pen.
One should also be aware of the location of various important items, such as wills, in the event the parent is to die suddenly. Having a plan in place for the execution of wills, dispensation of estate, etc will prevent additional heartache when the time comes.
On a related note, the parent’s final wishes should be honored. What do they want in the way of end of life care? Do they wish to be kept alive artificially? Do they want burial? Cremation? The body donated to science or medical schools? You may find that your elderly parents have very specific wishes for their end of life care.
Become the decision maker in their lives. They may specifically ask you about this, when they become too old, feeble, or mentally incapacitated to make decisions for themselves. Be willing to step up and let them know that you are there and will make decisions that are in their best interests.
Never tell them what they “should” do. Starting sentences with “you should” puts up a defensive wall almost instantly. Instead, begin your sentences with “I” as it is less confrontational and much more likely to actually be listened to.
Keep your emotions in check. I was reminded recently that I exhibited very little patience with my mother when I had to repeat phrases she hadn’t heard, or if we were having the same conversation this afternoon that we had this morning. Remember that your parents cannot control much of what is happening to them. As we get older things break down, and that includes things such as memory and hearing. Cut them some slack.
No, it is not easy to watch our parent grow older. But with the right attitude, we can make those years much easier on them. Take the time today to begin looking at ways you can take care of your parents…..just think of it as paying them back for the excellent job they did raising you!
Billy D Ritchie is the Director Of Content for LeadsByFone, LLC, a lead generation company servicing the carpet drying and water damage restoration industry.
When not writing and educating folks about the perils of water damage, he is also a freelance writer, sometime actor, and formerly professional musician. He also enjoys spending his weekends building and flying model rockets.
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THE MYTH OF GENDER-FREE PARENTING by Dr. Harold Sala Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13 At age three, Charles Ballard was abandoned by his father. At age seventeen, he, himself, became a father but walked away from his son, just as his dad had done fourteen years before. By age 25, he was a convict in a penitentiary, having been sentenced on a drug charge. But in prison, like the prodigal Jesus told about, he came to his senses and determined to make something of his life when he was released. He did, too. First, he earned a high school equivalency diploma, then a college degree, and then a master’s degree. In the process he was reunited with his son and began working in a local hospital. Ballard was struck by the number of single women who came to the hospital, pregnant, alone and with little hope of making it in the world. Ballard began speaking to young black men, urging them not to make the mistakes he had made, and began helping families to connect. Today, more than 3000 men have gone through his program and scores of families have been united. Today, there is a myth that dads don’t count, that parenting should be gender-free, and that having peace in a home is more important than having a dad there. That, of course, is based on the myth that having a dad creates more problems than it solves. Nothing could be further from the truth. A study done by sociologist David Popenoe of Rutgers University documented the …
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A few step parenting products I can recommend:
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